Last night, I walked into our bedroom and there, in the middle of the floor, was a discarded pair of Lance’s long johns and two woolly socks. I looked down at them for a sec before glancing up at the clothes hamper, which is maybe three feet away. So when Lance came in looking all innocent, I’m standing there staring incredulously at his pile of clothes.
“Wow!” I say, gesturing at the pile in front of my feet. “Was this your idea?”
“Oh, right… sorry about that…” he begins, but I cut him off.
“Oh my gosh NO! This is the best damn plan I’ve ever seen!” I proceed to pull off my shirt and throw it unceremoniously to the floor on top of his own pile, and I peel off my jeans and just step out of them, leaving them where they fell, so that they look like two denim tunnels where legs used to be. “Like… who would have thought! I mean… think of all the time I’m gonna save from now on!”
Snorting, Lance tries again to butt in with an apology, or maybe a reason, but I plow on.
“Don’t – I’m serious! I mean just IMAGINE that ALL THIS TIME, I’ve been WASTING PRECIOUS MILLISECONDS of my life by taking my clothes off and putting them in this HAMPER! You are a freaking GENIUS! Why, WHY, has no one ever thought to leave their clothes right here, right HERE, exactly where they take them off!? I can’t be bothered to lean ALL the way over, pick them up off the floor, and toss them way over THERE into the hamper! I LOVE THIS IDEA!”
By this time, Lance is laughing so hard that it’s difficult for him to say, “You’re an asshole,” but he chokes it out and punctuates it by taking off his t-shirt and throwing it at my head.
I seriously think I’m going to be a great mom. Who doesn’t love sarcastic reverse psychology?