out of Kadesh

Comprehensive weight gain: 34lbs
Recommended weight gain: 35lbs
Estimated weight gain remaining for Blueberry: 3-4lbs
My own estimated weight gain if I keep eating fried chicken, biscuits, cheesecake, and pasta like I have been lately: 11-12lbs
Estimated total weight gain: 50lbs

My sister took some pregnancy pictures for us when she visited, and Lance and I did our best not to look like tools while we posed for them.

What we were going for: I’m a proud, glowing new mother-to-be.
What it looks like: If I eat all the food I’m craving, I wonder if this kid will come out covered in bacon grease and chocolate chip cookies or if I will just look like this forever.

What we were going for: I love my new son-to-be so much I’ll make a heart-shape with my hands and put it on my belly.
What it looks like: If you didn’t notice my protruding navel and swollen sausage fingers before, let me highlight them for you now by making a heart-shape around this morning’s three breakfasts.

What we were going for: We’re going to FUN parents, because we’re FUN already.
What it looks like: The most fun pose we can think of is this one reminiscent of those kids in The Sound of Music. I wonder what’s for lunch.

What we were going for: I’m a supportive and loving husband who is excited enough about the birth of our first son that I’m going to make a hand-heart-shape around her belly too.
What it looks like: My wife told me to make this shape with my hands even though I can barely reach my arms around her. Come on… streeetch!

What we were going for: We love each other sooo much. In fact, it’s our love that brought our future son into our lives.
What it looks like: If I suck it in I can still JUST reach your face in order to kiss you.

Yesterday, I finished the baby’s toy chest. I started by painting a plain wood chest I’ve had for years white. Then I googled for elephant stencils, enlarged an image that I found and printed it out, put the image on a piece of cardstock, and cut it out with an exacto knife. Once the stencil was cut, I taped it to the top of the chest and spray painted it gold (it was the only color I had already. I might have used blue or green if I had had either handy).

I gotta say, for someone completely not crafty or arty, I’m pretty proud of myself for the way it turned out.

Me: “I love our new pumpkins on the porch! They look so welcoming!”

Lance: “Yeah… now we just need to carve them into something scary.”

Yesterday morning at about 9:00, Lance decided to go out for donuts. While he was on his way back, a car in front of him hit a dog at an intersection and drove off. The dog, howling in pain and lying there bleeding, captured the tender heart of my husband, who pulled over to help it almost without thinking. (In order to keep my optimistic view of humanity intact, I like to think anyone with any compassion whatsoever would have done the same thing, but let’s pause to admire the gentle goodness of the man that I married. Ok, unpause.) Lance looks at the dog and quickly surmises that he (or she – as far as I know no one took time to look at this broken animal’s genitals) needs to be moved out of the road, as it’s a fairly busy road and the poor thing is lying, immobile, in the middle of it. With thoughts not of his own safety or wellbeing, he reaches down to pick up the dog.

(Pause again. As it turns out, Lance doesn’t speak Dog. And, most unfortunately, this particular dog didn’t speak English. If he had spoken English, Lance could have simply explained to him that he was a friend and he was going to help and not to be afraid and he was just going to move him out of oncoming, honking traffic and then they could assess the situation together and figure out the best way to handle the Retriever’s immediate needs. See Reader, what happens next really just comes down to a lack of communication, or really the lack of the ability to communicate, like the movie Babel where no one can understand each other. But I mean… hello! English IS our national language and the better part of the world understands at least SOME English and why don’t you just go back to where you came from DOG if you’re going to live here but not take the time to learn it AM I RIGHT. Unpause.)

The screaming, bleeding, obviously terrified Golden Retriever then reaches out his open jaws and latches them onto Lance’s arm, sinking his fangs deep inside Lance’s skin. And holds on. Lance shakes him off and tries to approach him again and the dog is all YOU REALLY WANNA FUCK WITH ME?! and bites AGAIN, this time on Lance’s thumb.

Now, this is the story the way it happened. You see I learned the truth because I dragged it out of him, but THIS is the way Lance told it to ME. It’s 10:30 in the morning. I admit it, I was still in bed (bite me, I’m pregnant. Wait don’t bite me. Bad choice of words for this particular post. Moving on…), but I was awake, actually wondering if everything was ok and why Lance was taking so long, when he walked into our bedroom and through to the bathroom. Now, thank God I am like 90% blind in this one situation and couldn’t find my glasses right away (which were only a foot away on the night stand), because if I HAD been blessed with 20/20 vision, I might have seen my husband coming into our room covered in blood, and I might have then panicked to the point of passing out, which would have actually been not so bad since I was already lying in bed. (Pause. I would leave this out if I didn’t KNOW he would put it in the comments section otherwise. He swears that all the blood was the dog’s blood. I personally don’t see how he can know that, especially given the state of his arm, which I will detail for you momentarily. He says two other cars had at this point pulled over to help and had panicked also, seeing him get bitten twice and subsequently become a big blood bath. Apparently he convinced all these people also that he was fine, it was just the dog’s blood. Unpause.) As it was, I couldn’t and didn’t see him as a bloody mess. He walked past into the bathroom where he turned on the faucet and started stripping (bloody) clothes off his body and nonchalantly said this: “So, I had a bit of an adventure.”

Me: “What happened?”
Him: “Well this guy in front of me on Gallatin hit a dog.”
Me: “Oh no!”
Him: “And then he drove off without stopping.”
Me: “That’s terrible! What an asshole!!”
Him: “I know, right? So of course I pulled over.”
Me: “Of course!”
Him: (Stripped now, starting to wash what I assume are his hands but what turns out to be the upper part of his body, in the sink. Remember I still can’t see.) “So I get out of the car to try and move the dog out of the road.”
Me: “Then what happened?”
Him: “Well he was just scared so he nipped me a little and I couldn’t move him.”
Me: “Oh no! Poor thing… is he ok?”
This is about the time I’m starting to grope around for my glasses. It’s irritating to have a conversation with someone you can’t see properly.
Me: “Hey can you see my glasses?”
Him: (turning around from the sink) “Oh yeah there they are on the nightstand.”
(Pause. I’m writing all this because I want you to note the calmness of the way he is telling me this story. Almost like, hi I’m Lance and I’ve had an average day and I think I’ll just quickly wash this blood off myself and then go grab a cup of coffee. Oh, no problem, this blood is actually just red corn syrup that’s how not a big deal it is. And yeah a cute little puppy playfully nipped my finger while I was scratching behind his ears. Isn’t that sweet? Nip! Nip! That sounds so innocent you know? Unpause.)

Simultaneously I put my glasses on, notice the remaining traces of blood (he’s washed most of it away by now and his clothes are in a heap on the floor), and hear him say “do we have any rubbing alcohol?”

OH. NO.

The bites… oh man. I wish I had taken a picture of them yesterday when they looked worst so I could put them on here and you could sympathize with me, Reader. Because you would, believe me you would. You would have done exactly what I did when I saw that bulbous mass on his arm, sort of bluish and completely swollen and within it, five or six big bloody teeth marks, and then the totally swollen thumb with more bright red teeth marks in it, which is FREAK YOUR SHIT OUT. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to hit Lance or call someone for help or find some kind of gauzy bandages or just rush him out to the car all naked and drive him to the emergency room. I compromised by yelling at him and saying “ohmyGod” every time I accidentally saw the horrendous wound again while looking through the medicine cabinet for alcohol and cotton balls and trying not to picture what he would look like if he developed rabies in the next ten minutes.

We ended up at urgent care, thank God, because otherwise we would probably STILL be at the ER. (Pause again just to tell you what you probably could have guessed, which is that Lance FOUGHT ME ABOUT GOING AT ALL. Like, come on honey, this is totally no big deal. Look, that swelling will go down, I’m sure of it. And the bluish tinge should fade over time. And I’ll just keep a bandaid on those puncture wounds until the bleeding stops in a couple of months. Surely a playful puppy nip isn’t something to freak out about! Unpause.) The doc gave him a prescription for an antibiotic and confirmed that he was up to date with his tetanus shot. She seemed positively cheerful. Looking back, she was probably just really relieved that he wasn’t ANOTHER swine flu patient. She was probably excited for a dog bite. Probably hoping for a kid with a couple dozen bee stings to hobble in next. Who can blame her, I guess.

In case you’re wondering, which I was (even though I was torn between feelings of super sorry for and hatred for that dog, who mutilated my husband’s flesh so that every time he picks anything up now he says “ow” and every time he tries to bend his thumb it opens the wound up and starts bleeding again), the dog’s adrenaline must have kicked in after the second taste of human flesh because he limped into the bushes on the side of the road on three legs. A cop had pulled over to figure out why a bunch of cars were stopped at a green light and there was a skinny bloody guy and some other people looking off into the trees, and after they explained it all to him he was going to call animal control and drive around looking for a limping, bloody dog with a man’s arm hanging out of his mouth.

Honestly though Reader, who does that? Who hits a dog and drives off? If you happen to read my blog, you are a piece of sorry ass. I hope one day a dog learns how to drive and hits YOU. AND DRIVES OFF.

Really, I guess yesterday must have been Asshole Day, because I put a chair on craigslist to sell and got this girl who was all excited about it and said she wanted to come get it, and could she come here on Saturday? So we set up an appointment for 4. So, naturally, she called me at 5:30 saying she was on her way over, so I gave her directions. 6:00 went by. Then 7:00. I called her back, got her voicemail, and left a message that was all like “um, we have things… to do… if you wouldn’t mind letting me know if you’re still you know, on your way OVER HERE…. um… that would be great… um…” and never heard back from her. I guess she got caught up hitting random dogs with her car and driving away.

And while I was like stomping around and sulking and being all “THIS DAY SUCKS” and “I hope she got all lost and drove around for like two hours just LOST without her cell phone!” to Lance, he was all like “what if that really happened to her, Megan? Or what if she had a car accident or something?” and I was all “who died and made you Mother Theresa today anyway?” and he was all “can you take your grumpy pants off please?” and I was all “my other pants no longer exist oKAY” and he was like “whatever kind of bad day you think you’re having? I get the trump card. TODAY I GOT BIT BY A DOG.”

And I’m like “Dude, whatever, it’s just a little nip.”

Hello avid Reader; I know it’s been a while. Please believe I have been thinking about you while drowning in paint, because I totally have. I know you’ve been waiting on the edge of your desk chair to find out what the heck I’ve been doing for the past three weeks. It’s amazing how mind-numbing and yet how all-consuming moving into a new house can be. It drives me crazy to not have everything I want like RIGHT NOW, but it is coming together piece by piece. I can’t give any full-room shots yet because I’m too much of a snot who doesn’t want to show off an incomplete room, which is why I took some time this evening to take pictures of a few of the things that I’m giddy over in this place.

Like, my completely amazing cabinet space. There are seriously so many cabinets that I can spread out all my dishes! I’ve never had so much room.

Same for drawer space. Seriously?! I have enough drawers that I can use one for spices:

Check out this awesome porcelain sink.

I totally love the kitchen. However, it’s the only room I don’t know what color I want to paint it. And speaking of paint colors, I’ve decided that picking paint really sucks. It never turns out how I think it’s going to turn out.

Here’s a good example: the hall bathroom. I like it now… but it’s definitely not what I was going for originally.

I also love that claw-foot tub. Unfortunately the kitty litter has to be in here too because there is literally nowhere else to put it (believe me – we have racked our brains). So apart from the slight odor of cat piss, this room is very pleasant for bubble baths. (Oh, yeah, in the half hour that I haven’t been painting, online shopping, or unpacking boxes, I did take a bubble bath.)

Another color I was all what the deuce!? when I saw it on the wall was the dining room color. It’s called “Merlot” and at first looked a lot more like “Grandma Mauve.” Luckily, THREE COATS LATER it looked more like I’d hoped. Now I just have to touch up all the trim where the paint was on so thick it bled through the tape.

One of my favorite rooms so far is the office/library/guest room. Hey, it’s a small house – the rooms have to multi-task. The color in here is rich and gorgeous. Lance actually picked it and I was all “I’m not sure, it’s too dark, blah blah blah.” Hubbs, you were right; it looks amazing. The best part is, we made our own bookshelf and the whole thing cost like $40 and I lurve it.

Someday we’ll have a pull-out couch in here and it will be a REAL guest room! You know, since a real bed would take up too much space for a multi-tasking room. But for now it’s lying about the guest-room part. Cut it some slack, it doesn’t have any money.

Finally, here’s the color of the living room, and a mantle we installed for some pretty shelf space. And by “we” I mean “Lance.”

So there you go, Reader, some random shots of my house that give you no idea whatsoever what it actually looks like. Those are coming, I promise. The baby’s room is my first priority now that most of the painting is done.

Other than painting and unpacking boxes (mostly me) (and I swear they had sex for two months in storage and had baby boxes also full of shit we don’t need) and working (Lance), Lance and I spend our time walking two miles to the dog park so we don’t feel as guilty walking two blocks to the bakery the next morning, discover the nifty East Nashville eateries on Friday paydays, watch hulu.com when we miss episodes of “Glee” and “The Office,” and talk and wonder about baby-related things, like whether or not to have him circumcised? And what to do when he sleeps in our bedroom and so does the cat who likes to wander around at night and might end up on his face in the bassinet? And how much are my poor boobs going to hurt when there’s a kid sucking on them every two and a half hours? And how are we going to afford this when I won’t be working? And so on.

I hope to have a beautiful nursery to show on here in the next week or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me…

I know I’m supposed to be beaming these days. I know I’m supposed to be excited to meet my son. I know I’m supposed to be thrilled that I’ll be bringing my baby home in my arms instead of in my belly in a mere eight weeks.

HOWEVER.

What I’m actually feeling is ABSOLUTE TERROR. Complete, paralyzing fear has taken over every time I think about it. The thing is, the hospital is going to put a fragile new life into my arms, wheel me out the door in a wheelchair, help me into my car, and ten minutes later we’ll be pulling up in front of our house with that same fragile new life, and then we bring him inside. AND THEN WHAT!? Like, literally, what do I do with him once I have him inside the house? Do I take him to the nursery that is, as of yet, 100% NOT ready for his arrival? Do I sit down with him on the couch and pop in a movie? Do I start reading him The Chronicles of Narnia? Do I keep him in his car seat? Put him in his little baby bouncer? Do I explain what we believe politically and why? Explain the death and resurrection of Christ? Teach him how to walk? Give him a pacifier? Do I let the dog sniff him? Do I go into my bedroom and lie down with him? Change his diaper? Start playing our iTunes library so he’ll get acclimated to good music? Do I cook him a celebratory dinner? Pour him a glass of champagne and toast his exit from the womb? NO SERIOUSLY READER, WHAT DO I DO!?

Look at my face in this picture. Does it not just scream “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG”? Because if not, please believe that that’s pretty much all that’s on my mind recently so I was most definitely thinking it.

My only saving grace is that my husband is perfectly calm. I don’t know how or why, but he seems alright with the fact that we’re about to have to take care of a kid when we barely know how to take care of ourselves. And if he can be alright, I can be alright.