out of Kadesh

You guys. I’m sitting here at a coffee shop. ALONE. The Bubbs’ grandmother is in town and she’s hanging out with him in our living room right now, while I’m drinking a decaf Americano and eating a chocolate chip muffin and NOT hearing “Boo-boo! Boo-boo!” as a toddler points out each one of my pregnancy-hormone-induced pimples. It’s like Jesus was right and the Kingdom of Heaven really IS now.

Seriously, what do I even DO with myself? My thoughts were of catching up on a million emails, making sure everything is good on my end for the theatre, and I’ve also been thinking really hard about opening my play document, which I haven’t opened since August and which still needs a second act, but truthfully I’m so overwhelmed by the freedom that I’m kind of frozen.

So here’s a quick while-I-figure-out-how-to-spend-the-next-hour update for you, because you so wanted one and I so wanted to give one.

New Baby is kicking my ass. All the things that didn’t happen during my pregnancy with Noah have joined forces and are currently beating me over the head with a baseball bat. Of the myriad of pregnancy-related issues a woman can acquire, here are the things with which I have been afflicted thus far: Nausea, vomiting, headaches, my first ever YEAST INFECTION, my first-ever and seemingly non-stop battle with seasonal allergies, and a good ol’ daily dose of explosive diarrhea, which only in the last week I’ve begun to realize is most likely a result of a brand new intolerance to lactose. OH! And something called placenta previa.

In other words, Dear New Baby: YOU’RE GROUNDED.

Monday: Vegetarian fajitas (add whatever veggies you like: peppers, onions, broccoli, squash… and saute with cumin, garlic, chili powder, salt, and lime juice), mexican rice

Tuesday: Garden vegetable soup in a bread bowl

Wednesday: Cobb salad (minus the chicken and bacon) with honey mustard dressing

Thursday: Vegetarian corn dogs, seasoned fries, side salad

Friday: We’re going out of town for the weekend, but I’d leave Friday for leftovers anyway. Trust me, you will have them.

1. New Baby is healthy!

2. There is ONLY ONE BABY in there, Mom and Aunt Renee. (And there was much rejoicing.)

3. When you’ve had one baby (with or without a humungous head), your cervix gets all crazy bent out of shape. Sometimes.

4. My cervix got all crazy bent out of shape.

5. When this happens to you, you get an early ultrasound to make sure you’re not going to need your cervix stitched. Ow.

6. They tell you they’re going to put a probe into your cervix to take ultrasound pictures. Ow.

7. The ultrasound place is like a spa compared to the nurse-midwives’ office.

8. The vaginal ultrasound device looks like a dildo.

9. This may or may not be awkward for your husband, who is sitting two feet away as the ultrasound technician explains that you are to put this into your vagina underneath the sheet that is currently keeping you modest.

10. Either of the following reactions to this dildo apparatus would be funny: “OH MY GOD, that thing is HUGE! It’ll never fit…” OR “Pshhh, please. After this guy, that tiny thing looks like a toothpick.”

11. Toddlers think ultrasounds are boring.

12. Toddlers think computers are cool.

13. Toddlers think you’re a piece of shit for not letting them get on that cool computer when they are so obviously bored.

14. My cervix is actually just fine.

15. But New Baby’s placenta is completely covering my cervix.

16. This is only a problem if it doesn’t move during the course of my pregnancy. If I’m in labor and it hasn’t moved, I’ll have to have a C-section. Worst case scenario, the placenta somehow ruptures pre-term, and the baby is in big trouble.

17. Most likely, everything will be fine, but I am to call if I experience any vaginal bleeding. I think I could have figured that out on my own.

18. When your placenta is on top of your cervix in such a vulnerable position, you are ordered to go on “vaginal rest.” In other words, nothing in the vagina. Like… no ultrasound equipment. And on top of THAT, no sexual intercourse until they screen me in two months to make sure the placenta has moved.

19. Breaking the news to your husband that you can’t have sex for two months is really fun.

20. Breaking the news to YOURSELF that you can’t have sex for two months is even MORE fun.

21. The following statement won’t help: “Don’t worry, we’ll have sex after the baby is born!” (FALSE.)

22. Despite all that, at the end of the day I’m feeling immeasurably grateful that I have one healthy baby, kicking and waving and tumbling around, inside my ever-growing uterus.

23. Having someone poke into your cervix all day makes your cervix sore. Which is a weird feeling.

24. Having a bored toddler at an ultrasound appointment makes you (and your husband) feel stressed out.

25. Making up for it later by deciding to bake something with your toddler may or may not be the stupidest thing you’ve ever thought of.

26. If you tell a toddler, “Ok, now dump this cup of flour into this bowl,” he will dump it onto the floor.

27. If you tell a toddler, “Stir up the pumpkin with this spoon,” he will hold the spoon, dripping with pumpkin, over his head and spin it around.

28. If you tell a toddler, “Stand here while I get the butter,” you will turn back to see him with a spoonful of batter containing raw egg about a centimeter from his open mouth.

28. If you decide to bake with your toddler, your kitchen will look like pumpkin bread batter exploded on every surface.

29. The bread will still turn out delicious, and your toddler will be really proud. And so will you.

30. If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I could love someone with the ferocity that I love my toddler, I would have thought it impossible and maybe a bit weird, but it happened. Which is how I know that even though I can’t understand it right now, I will feel the same way about New Baby as soon as we meet.

Dear Noah,

As I type this, you are hugging my knees and playing with a green plastic pumpkin used for Trick-or-Treating. Trick-or-Treating, which you are about to experience for the first time in a couple of weeks. Mama debated for a long time about it, because I really don’t want you to eat candy. I’m not one of those crazy hippy parents; it’s just that candy gives you cavities and a sugar high and a fat belly, and that’s pretty much all it does. But I also don’t want you to miss out on the incredibly fun experience that is Halloween: dressing up in a costume (helloooo, theatre!), knocking on strangers’ doors and demanding they give you a free handout, then stuffing all that opposite of nutrition crap in your face while we, your responsible parents, spend the rest of your life trying to convince you not to take candy from strangers.

You can’t miss out is all I’m saying!

Lots has happened in the last two months, Bubbs. First, you have become an English major. Every day you have discovered a new (mispronounced) word or phrase. You wake me up every day by putting your nose to mine and hollering, “MAMA! EEE!” Which means FEED ME BEFORE I GET SERIOUS. Two days ago you learned how to say your name. Now you’re all looking at pictures and saying proudly, “NO-AH.” Today you surprised me by informing me that your aunt Ellen is at school (“Lala. Cool.”)! I can’t wait to see what you’ll say tomorrow. Maybe I’ll let you write a blog post.

Two months ago we got some other big news besides your blossoming vocabulary… you’re going to be a big brother next April. I didn’t think you had any idea what that means, despite the books we have bought for you and our repeatedly telling you about the baby in my belly, but the other day as I was sitting with you in the floor, you pointed right at my belly out of the blue and said, “Baby.” Then, as I looked at you in wonder, you leaned over and gave my belly a kiss! Then you almost smothered to death because I was squeezing and kissing you so hard. The thing is, Mama is secretly terrified. I thought we’d have more time with you as a baby without bringing a NEW baby into the picture. But the other thing is, I have a feeling you’re going to be a fantastic big brother.

Anyway, right now I have other things to worry about. The rule when you’re a parent is, no matter how great or fine things are, you have to be worried about something. I’m worried about you, Bubba, because you don’t get very much socialization. Other kids your age go to daycare or spend time in a nursery or participate in some kind of “Mom’s Day Out” program where they just hang out in a lump of other kids for a couple of hours a week. But you just stay home with me. I love this, and we have so much fun together. And you have a great time with other adults. But when other kids are around, you sort of clam up and get really shy and quiet. Granted, you’re always much more chill than most kids your age, and other people (including your doctor) have even commented on it. You seem amazed when other kids are bouncing off walls and screaming in the supermarket. The truth is, you seem like such a solitary little guy. I think that it’s just your personality. You like playing with toys or reading quietly. You only like opening one present at a time. And you like playing with one kid at a time, but you get overwhelmed by too many kids at once. So I’ve been taking you out to play with other kids as much as possible, but you still don’t want me to leave. You’d rather I be close by in case the other kid explodes or something. And the rule is, I have to worry about it. Is it normal behavior? Are you ok? Should Mama be doing something differently? Are you going to be ready for preschool? (Sigh.) I have no answers. So the worry continues.

Not that you’re not social. The other day at the coffee shop, you saw another mom reading to her toddler, and you crawled up on the couch next to her and leaned right in to listen and look at the pictures. We were laughing out of surprise, but the mom thought it was the cutest thing; she couldn’t believe it. She told us you were so sweet and that her own toddler would never have done something like that. You just sat there looking at whatever book she had as long as she was willing to read. Her little girl even got down and started playing with some toys, but you just sat right there, hoping for more story time. Of course, I’m not sure if this is an example of you being social or just because your favorite thing to do in the whole wide world is read a book… either way, it was pretty special.

One amazing thing that’s happened since last time I wrote you a letter is (drumroll please…) YOU HAVE STARTED SLEEPING! Oh good gracious, I’m a new woman. You go to bed around 8:30, and then you wake up at 5:30 and come in bed with us, and you cuddle and maybe drink a cup of milk or something, and then you go back to sleep until like, 7! SEVEN! S-E-V-E-N! And even though you wake up BANG, STARVING, the millisecond your head pops off the pillow, I am just the happiest mom in the Universe right now, Love Bug. I’d drink a celebration margarita at like, 10pm or something INSANE like that if I wasn’t carrying your baby brother or sister.

And now that I announced on the internet that you have started sleeping, I fully expect you to wake up four times tonight. I’ll make Daddy go to you by rolling over and groggily reminding him that I’m pregnant and it’s mostly his fault. (Don’t tell him I said that.)

We have had such a great time with you in the last couple of months, Bubba. (You did bite me today, but that’s the only one you’ve done in at LEAST two weeks, so we won’t even mention it! Great job!) As you grow and can communicate better and better, you are just so much fun to be around. We took you to the Tennessee Aquarium last month, and we stayed at a cabin in the woods, and I enjoyed both of those things so much more with you there to share them with. You’re amazed by everything new, and watching you learn and play and make that face where you open your eyes and your mouth really wide is one of the best experiences I’ve ever known.

Two weekends ago, Mama and Daddy visited one of Mama’s friends from high school. After hanging out for a while, she commented, “Some people make it look so easy to have kids.” Later, your Daddy said to me, “Some kids make it look so easy to be parents.” That’s you, Bubbs. You make Mama’s job look easy. You’re just so easy-going and as long as you have a car in one hand and a book in the other, you’re the most content toddler I’ve ever seen. I’m so proud of you all the time. I love you very, very, very much.

Love,
Mama

P.S. I used to call myself “Mommy,” but you decided that my name is actually “Mama,” and I figure, who am I to argue? It’s up to you after all. Now you’ll just have to teach your sibling(s) what my name is.

Monday: Lentil loaf with mashed potatoes and asparagus

Tuesday: Grilled chicken & roasted red pepper panini, fries

Wednesday: Pasta in tomato-chile cream sauce (I’m doing it without the shrimp), salad

Thursday: Chicken makhani with rice

Friday: Taco pizza

I’m one of the only people on God’s earth (besides Lance) who knows what the heck my son is ever saying. Others will look at me with confusion when he talks to them, and I am quick to translate. So to save time, I’ve decided to create this handy dictionary so that if the opportunity arises for you, lucky Reader, you’ll be able to communicate with the Bubbs. Please study up.

Ah-hee: Monkey (Based on the “what the monkey says.” Usually used when asking to read Curious George.)
Bakuh: Backhoe (Any piece of construction equipment, or even just a large pile of dirt.)
Bakuhm: Vacuum (Subtle difference, but easy to figure out. Construction site, toy vehicle or dirt around? It’s a backhoe. I’m vacuuming the living room and/or he’s pointing at a minuscule crumb? …You get it.)
Bah: Ball (Anything round is a ball. Even a tomato. Even the Google Chrome logo in the teeny tip top of my internet browser.)
Bathitherthither: Banana
Beeyuh: Bus (Used for school and metro busses, anything resembling a bus (i.e. a large van), and toy busses)
Beebee: Baby (Can be used when any of the following are present: a baby, a picture of a baby, a mirror.)
Bahdee: Potty (As in, “Guess what I just did.”)
Bahdee (2): Penis (As in, “DUDE! MY PENIS IS SO AWESOME!”)
Booboo: Any wound, visible or unseen. (Also used when pointing at Mama’s pimples.)
Byedoo: Spider, mosquito, other bugs of all kinds, spider web, or even just a dust bunny. (Used with trepidation.)
Bye: Bye!
Dad-dee: Daddy ….or Granddaddy.
Dee Doo: Thank you (Used when HE hands YOU something. Not sarcastically. We don’t think.)
Diuhn: This (Used for labeling; ex. “What is this thing?” “Who is this person?”)
Diuhn (2): That (“Give me the thing to which I am pointing.”)
Dun: Either done or down. Which is basically the same thing, because when he’s done eating he gets down.
EEE: Eat. NOW.
Eee-ooo: Ew. (As in, “Something smells bad,” “There is something sticky on my hands,” “You have a zit.”)
GO: Go (As in, outside, or, somewhere in the car. It doesn’t matter where. Just put me in the car seat and let’s GO.)
Hey, Hey, Hey: Hi!
Hoo! Hoo!: Owl (Based on “what the owl says.”)
Joof: Juice
Joo: Choo, or Train. (There is a very subtle difference between Juice and Train. Like, VERY subtle. Like, even when you’re sitting at the dinner table and you think surely, SURELY he means juice, and you go get him juice, he looks at you like, WTF is this? I said JOO. JOO, crazy woman. And you look down and realize he wants his train, which he accidentally left on the floor when he climbed into his high chair.)
Lala: His aunt, my sister, Ellen
Mah-ah: Music (Used to ask for music, which leads to dancing, OR used when pointing out a cleverly disguised speaker in a restaurant somewhere that no one else would ever see in a million billion years.)
Mama: That’s me! ….or, Grandmommy. I’m not bitter.
Moe: More (Unofficially: “I want something; now you have to figure out what it is.”)
Moom: Moon (Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to read Harold and the Purple Crayon with him, as there is a moon on every blasted page. You’ll never get through it. If you have lots of patience, you may attempt Goodnight Moon.)
NO, or no-no-no: No. Or yes. It depends.
Uh-oh!: Something VERY TRAGIC JUST HAPPENED, like, I may not be able to recover, because my train puzzle just came apart. OH SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP!
Voom: Car (“Give me that toy car,” “I’m playing with my toy car,” “There goes a car outside,” “Here is a car in a book.”)
VOOOOM!: HOLY SHIT THERE GOES A TRUCK!
VvVvvv: Elephant (Based on “what the elephant says.”)
Tee: Cheese
Uhm: Ummm… (Used when standing indecisively in front of the open fridge door. LIKE A FREAKING TEENAGER.)
Wah-ah: Walk
Wah-ah (2): Rock (Deductive reasoning is the key to this word.)
Wahdoo: Water
Wahow (whispered): Tiger (Based on “what the tiger says.”)
Wee: Swing or slide
Woo! Woo!: Dog (Based on “what the dog says.”)
Woowoowoo: Police car, ambulance, fire truck, tow truck
Wy-yoo: Cat (Based on “what the cat says.” Not remotely like “Meow” because OUR cat doesn’t make a polite meow. OUR cat howls like a little bitch coming off heroin. Therefore, this word comes directly from the source.)

It’s a growing list, y’all. There are a couple of words I don’t know, like one that kind of sounds like “woo-oon.” He points to something different every time he says it, and I haven’t linked it yet.

Two hints I will give that will save you loads of time and energy if you are talking with the Bubbs, are these.
1. Repeat him. Not his version, but the actual, English version. If he starts going on and on with the same word, like “Bee-yuh, bee-yuh, bee-yuh! Bee-yuh!”, say with enthusiasm, “Yes! A bus! I also see the bus!” Even if you don’t. Because then he is quiet for a tenth of a second, until he sees a construction site and is all, “Bakuh! Bakuh! Bakuh!”

2. If you repeat what you think he has said (he says “Wah-ah” and you say “walk”), but he keeps going (“Wah-ah! Wah-ah!”), you were wrong. Quickly switch to the other possible word or words (“Rock?”). Sometimes it doesn’t work and you have to go through many possible words or word combinations. He will repeat, with growing agitation, the word you are clearly supposed to understand. When you have finally guessed it, and pray to all that is holy that you will, eventually, guess it, he will stop saying the word, and will even sometimes reward your correctness by smiling and nodding.

And when he’s so happy that you understood him, it’ll be worth all the work involved. Trust me.