Tue 13 Dec 2011
My oldest and dearest Reader
Posted by Megan under Mommyhood, NB, Politics, Update
[3] Comments
Dear Future Me Reading This in 20 Years,
Sorry it’s been so long since I wrote to you. (You’re looking great for 48 by the way. Those hips might be a little bigger than you ever imagined they could be, but don’t sweat it. And quit complaining about your saggy boobs and get a better bra. Simple.) The thing is, it’s been a little busy around here. First of all, we survived Thanksgiving. I know, it’s always questionable, but we did it. (And you can blame your flabby 48-year old belly on the 200 pounds of stuffing you ate over Thanksgiving weekend 2011.) Here is what else your 28-year old self has been doing for the past month. Look back and laugh.
1. Chasing mice. Possibly rats. We came back from a trip to visit in-laws in October to the smell of rancid dead, which waged a two-month-long war between us (the Humans) and them (the Zombie Rodents). There is no victor yet and the battles continue daily. We called an exterminator, who told us we should just set traps. We check traps every day to find them tripped, food gone, and yet the ZRs are not trapped. At night they scritch scratch in the walls behind our bed. We keep a broom by our bedside, which we have almost mastered the art of pounding on the walls without even really waking up. Lance spends his days searching for and patching holes with spray-insulation. We’re having a great time with it.
2. Finding out that you’re having a girl! You know this already, because she is now 20 years old. But here in 2011 you just found out, and it’s really quite amazing to feel New Baby kicking around inside and thinking to yourself, “There she is,” or “That’s my daughter.” I hope you are happy with the name you chose, because right now you have no idea what you’re going to name her. You think of a different name every week, but none of them is really something that sticks around. You roll it around on your tongue for a week and you start to hate the way it sounds and Lance can always think of someone he knew in Kindergarten that had that name who pooped her pants.
3. Watching your baby boy turn TWO. The day he turned two, he threw a huge tantrum because his friend tried to play with one of his birthday toys, and you knew that HE knew that he was supposed to start acting like that because he had just turned two. You should have lied to him and told him he was three. Or four. Then he would have felt mature and been like, “Oh, pardon me, would you like to play with the mini grocery cart that I just unwrapped? Allow me to step aside out of your way, and while you’re playing, I’ll cut you a piece of my cake.”
4. Gearing up for Christmas. You’ve done 20 more of these holidays by now and I hope to God you’re living in Paris where there is a cup of espresso and a croissant waiting for you down the corner where you can stop in for a stress-free holiday break. YES I SAID HOLIDAY, FOX NEWS. OBVIOUSLY I AM GOING TO HELL. But if you HAVE come to your senses and moved to France you might not NEED a stress-free holiday break, because you will be far away from all your judgmental and inconsiderate relatives, who would never dream of coming to visit you in Paris because what if they accidentally slip on the ice and sprain their ankle? I mean, dear God, they’d have to go to the ER and leave WITHOUT PAYING A HOSPITAL BILL, because the French are fucking dirty communists. But besides all that, this year is looking like a really fun Christmas, because, if you’ll refer to Item Number Three, Noah is two! He’s obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine and when he sees that train set under the tree this year he is going to flip his shit, and you’re going to catch it all on video. (If you ARE still in America and feeling the holiday stress while you’re reading this, do yourself a favor and cheer yourself up by watching that video.)
5. FREAKING OUT about the GOP presidential nominees. You watch Jon Stewart to keep yourself laughing in hopes that the terror will subside, but NPR brings you back to reality the next day and you spend your days biting your nails and praying that God will protect the country from all of those nut-cases that are the next potential leaders of the free world.
6. Watching reruns of Felicity on Netflix. Don’t beat yourself up… you needed a break! Remember, you were pregnant and you had a two-year-old. It’s embarrassing, sure, but at least you don’t watch any daytime soaps, and what’s a stay-at-home-mom to do while she’s folding laundry, really?
7. Seeing some theatre. Lance gave you the amazing gift of going to see Memphis at TPAC. Remember that if he’s getting on your nerves, Future Me, because it was one hell of a date. He arranged babysitting and everything. You miss seeing Broadway theatre in 2011. I hope you are richer and have more time at 48 and you can get a subscription to your local traveling Bway house.
Well, you have to go now, because you have a pile of diapers sitting next to you that you have to fold, and an episode of Felicity waiting in your queue.
Love,
28-year-old You