out of Kadesh

Me: What’s this?

Noah: Peppah!

Me: And what color is this pepper?

Noah: Wed!

Me: Green.

Noah: Gween!

Me: That’s right. And what is this letter?

Noah: G!

Me: Yes. G for green. And what’s this letter?

Noah: P!

Me: That’s right, Bubbs! P for pepper. Now what is this vegetable?

Noah: ………..

Me: Do you remember what it’s called?

Noah: ……….Wabbit eat it.

Me: That’s right, rabbits DO eat it. People can eat it too. It’s called a carrot.

Noah: Cay-witt.

Me: Yes. And what color is the carrot?

Noah: Oh-wange!

Me: Yep, it’s orange. And what is this letter?

Noah: G!

Me: Close, but it doesn’t have the line coming out of it. It’s a C, remember?

Noah: C!

Me: That’s right. C for carrot. C-c-carrot. C actually has two sounds, kuh and suh. Kuh like carrot, and suh like….. um…. gosh I can’t think of a soft c word. Oh, cereal! Suh like cereal.

Noah: Suh-we-uhl!

Me: Yes.

Noah: No, suh-we-uhl ee muhk.

Me: What?

Noah: Suh-we-uhl! Ee muhk! Peese! (heads to the table, pointing)

Me: You would like some cereal with milk right now?

Noah: (nods, climbs onto chair and settles in)

Me: Oh. Power of suggestion, huh?

Noah: …..(nods) Eat it. Eat suh-we-uhl.

Me: Right, got it. Peanut butter balls or O’s?

Noah: Pee-nut-butt-uh? Bahhs? Peese?

Me: Ok then. Good lesson today, huh?

Noah: EAT IT! SUH-WE-UHL!

I love snow. I know you northerners are like, yeah, eff you man. But I was raised in the south, and snow meant staying home from school or work and going outside in eight pairs of socks, four pairs of pants, and six sweatshirts and making snow angels and sad little snowmen that contained a lot of grass because really, there was only a half inch of snow to begin with. And that only happened a couple of times a year.

Even when Lance and I moved to DC, I loved snow. And there I learned how the snow reaches past your ankles and life doesn’t shut down, so you still have to go to work and you can’t stay home and drink hot cocoa, but unfortunately the snow plow pushed through the middle of the street this morning and your car was parked on the side of the street, and is now completely barricaded in a mountain of snow. So you have to get out there in your work clothes and heels and dig your tires out of it. Then when you leave your neighborhood and reach your destination you realize all the beautiful, soft white snow has turned to ugly, wet, muddy-gray sludge. But I still loved the snow.

I just love winter! I love frost on the windows and frost on the grass. I like looking out the window at an icy world while I drink a cup of hot coffee. I love a warm, crackling fire as the backdrop for a day of reading under a blanket. (Of course, at my house, a warm fire is the result of plugging in my electric fireplace and adjusting the heat with the remote control. The crackling comes from a wood-wick, fire-scented candle on the shelf above the heater. But it’s cool because I’m really good at pretending.) I love sweaters and jeans and boots and thick wool socks. I love thick soups and comfort foods. I love scarves and hats and coats. I love the way trees look without any leaves, and gray skies full of the promise of snow. I love seeing my breath when I’m outside, right before rushing into a warm coffee shop.

((Sigh.))

There has been no snow this year. There has been no frost. There have been one or two times when it was cold enough for a coat. Today is February 1, and it was 65 degrees. For the past three days Noah and I have spent the majority of the day outside in light jackets as the weather has climbed steadily upward from the high 50s. We took a walk in t-shirts today, for gosh sakes. (Well, Lance and Noah wore t-shirts. I wore a sweater because I was in denial. But I was wicked hot.)

It’s so depressing. I actually sat down (outside) to write a blog post about Newt Gingrich and what a dick he is with his pompous hypocrisy and his fucking moon base bullshit, but I got started about the weather and I couldn’t stop because I COULD NOT BELIEVE I was sitting outside writing a blog post on the first day of February. Sorry, Reader. Stay tuned for a long and glorious rant about the GOP candidates and my love affair with free, nationwide healthcare.

Me: “Can you say Noah Roggendorff?”

Noah: “Noah!”

Me: “Rogg-en-dorff.”

Noah: “Rogg-en-Noah!”

Me: “Interesting time-saver… Rogg-en-dorff.”

Noah: “Rogg-en.”

Me: “Dorff.”

Noah: “Doff.”

Me: “Ok now, all together. Rogg-en-dorff.”

Noah: “Rogg-en-doff!”

Me: “Yay! Now can you say the whole thing? No-ah-Rogg-en-dorff.”

Noah: “No-ah-Rogg-en-baby!”

Me: “Close enough.”

Lance: “So apparently there’s some big sports game on tonight.”

Me: “How do you know?”

Lance: “My usually very geeky twitter feed is full of sports talk?”

Me: “Oh, huh. Is it the Superbowl?”

Lance: “Oh, yeah, maybe! That does happen around this time of year, doesn’t it?”

Me: “Wait, no… I think it’s on a Sunday. You know, ‘Superbowl Sunday’?”

Lance: “Oh, right. Maybe it’s like the game that decides who plays the Superbowl.”

Me: “They have those?”

Lance: “Yeah, don’t they?”

Me: “Okay then.”

……..

Me: “Let’s hope to God our son is into theatre or music or computers or something.”

1. There’s a load of diapers in the dryer that I haven’t folded and the dirty diaper bag is already full.

2. I look up directions to get somewhere and I have a full understanding of where I’m going and I still get lost.

3. Noah doesn’t nap.

4. Noah throws his food.

5. Noah throws his toys.

6. It’s cloudy, gray, and 34 degrees outside but it still doesn’t snow.

7. The sink is full of dirty dishes.

8. Noah is scared of a new place or new people.

9. I accidentally hear ANY of the asinine words that the GOP candidates are speaking.

10. I’m out of clean underwear.

11. The weekend is so booked it doesn’t feel like a weekend is coming at all.

12. The Zombie Rodents scratch around in the attic.

13. I’ve already had my allotted cup of coffee for the day.

14. Lance has to work at night.

15. Jon Stewart is on vacation.

16. We get mailed a Netflix movie that we put in our queue like four years ago and have absolutely no desire to see, and it sits on top of the mantle for three weeks before we give up and decide to send it back without even opening it.

17. Christmas is over and it doesn’t even feel like Christmas ever happened.

18. Leftovers are on the menu.

19. I forget about/can’t find an essential item when I go grocery shopping, and then I have to go back to the store another day before I make dinner that night.

20. The cat sleeps on top of the couch cushions, squishing the cushion with his fat ass and creating a nest of fur.

Do it right this year, before the world ends. Here’s my annual list of things I won’t TOTALLY WILL accomplish. Hey, doesn’t starting over just feel so great?

The Year of Living Simply (2012)

1. Spend less
2. Be content more
3. Consume less
4. Give more
5. Eat out less
6. Cook/pack homemade food more
7. Be more creative/frugal with fun activities
8. Buy local
9. Buy pre-owned
10. Walk/bike more
11. Drive less
12. Start Noah’s savings account
13. Start New Baby’s savings account
14. Save more
15. Pay off debt
16. Learn French
17. Read more
18. Host dinner for friends more
19. Study the gospels (including the Apocrypha)
20. Join the Mom’s group and do at least one activity a week
21. Potty train Noah
22. Eliminate stressful situations as much as possible
23. Fix annoying things so we can enjoy our house more
24. Hug more
25. Forgive more
26. Be angry less
27. Write more
28. Make it myself more (sew/cook/build/create)
29. Get another tattoo
30. Social network more
31. Work for the theatre more
32. Renew the Book Club
33. Do yoga more

1. I momentarily forgot how to spell Tuesday.

2. I had a craving for Chick-Fil-A.

3. I ate Chick-Fil-A.

4. I felt guilty for eating Chick-Fil-A.

5. I listened to Adele and Justin Timberlake on Spotify.

6. I put a pot of chickpeas on the stove to boil.

7. I took the dog on a long walk with my two favorite boys.

8. We stopped at Ugly Mugs on the way home for a pumpkin latte (and a blackberry Italian cream soda and juice, respectively).

9. We sat outside for almost 30 seconds before mosquitos started trying to bite my ass. THROUGH MY PANTS.

10. Lance said, “Haa haa I can see your under-wearrr” in a singsong voice. I said, “What!?” He said, “You have a hole in your yoga pants. You’re wearing bright green underwear.” I said, “I just stood in line at the coffee shop with a huge hole in my pants! …Awesome.”

11. We stepped back in the house and it smelled like horribly scorched chickpeas.

12. I put a pot full of scorched-to-hell chickpeas on the back patio.

13. I opened all the windows and turned on all the fans.

14. I mourned the loss of the hummus I was looking forward to.

15. I sat on the toilet while Noah sat on his potty. Nothing happened for either of us.

16. I taught Noah the sprinkler dance.

17. I took a nap.

18. I snoozed my alarm.

19. I snoozed my alarm.

20. I snoozed my alarm.

21. I drug my ass out of bed.

22. I did a bunch of work for the theatre.

23. I contemplated how much more work I need to do for the theatre.

24. I fed Noah a snack of yogurt and strawberries.

25. I realized the yogurt expired on September 8.

26. It smelled fine so I put it back in the fridge. I figured, it’s yogurt, right?

27. I procrastinated making dinner until 5:45.

28. I finally got up and started dinner.

Last night, we went out to dinner. It’s usually a cold day in hell when we go out for dinner, because at the end of the day the Bubbs is like I AM DONE WITH EVERYTHING, but we decided to walk down the street on this glorious night and get dinner. Only when we got down our front steps and started passing our car, Noah stopped walking, put his hand on the car, and said, “GO.” And we were all, “But BUBBS it’s such a nice NIGHT and we should get some exercise, and it’s so CLOSE and it’ll be so FUN and let’s just WALK.” And he was all, “GO.” And then when we tried to move him away from the car he dug his heels in and he was like, “Gooooo, GOOO! GOOOOOOOOO!”

So we put him in his car seat and drove a quarter of a mile to get dinner. It’s like we’re fat people from East Tennessee. But we figured, Hell, if you feel that strongly about it…

We ordered fajitas, and at this restaurant you can order any fajitas “with portabello mushrooms”. I would never have considered getting mushrooms on, oh, ANYTHING before I had Noah, but, enter WEIRDEST KID EVER. Noah LOVES mushrooms. WTF? So we ordered mushrooms and guacamole, which Noah gorged himself on, while Lance and I shared a normal meal.

While we’re sitting there enjoying the nice weather on the patio, FOUR police cars pass, and Noah’s face, I swear, told us that one day, he’s going to steal one of those cars just so he can run the siren at all times at full blast. Seriously, it was the highlight of his life. Last week we took him to the Aquarium in Gatlinburg for $26 a person, but all we needed to do was take him to the ghetto where the cops are sure to be flashing their lights and blaring their sirens. It’d be more dangerous, but it’d be FREE!

Then comes the best part of my night. Flying down the street was a chopper with purple ground effects, blasting music on its stereo. Not just ANY music, mind you. Dude was playing “Empire State of Mind”. Alicia Keys. Purple-lit motorcycle. I mean that shit takes balls. It was SO. AWESOME.

And that is why we love it in East Nashville.

1. Cracking eggs. Cool chefs crack eggs with one hand. I crack eggs with two hands, and I have to bang it on the side of the bowl like seven times, and I always, ALWAYS get part of the shell in the batter, and then I go cross-eyed trying to fish it out. If a recipe calls for more than two eggs? Forget it, I’ll find another recipe.

2. Driving. The other day I was driving without Noah, and I’ve noticed that I make so many more careless mistakes when he’s not with me. I was getting really annoyed at all the other stupid Nashville drivers who were cutting me off, making me slam on my brakes, not getting over so I could merge, etc., and as I muttered to myself, “What the heck is wrong with all these idiots today?” I heard a HOOOONK from the lane I had just entered, and I looked back and realized that, while distracting myself by thinking about how stupid everyone was, I had almost killed some dude I hadn’t seen. Boy, did I feel sheepish. When I told Lance about it he laughed and said “Pride cometh before…” (But he couldn’t finish the rest because my foot was up his ass.)

3. Exercising. I know I need to exercise. I know it’s good for me, good for the baby, will make my labor easier, will help me get back in shape faster after birth, etc. But I’ma be honest, y’all. I’d rather sit on my ass and eat a pumpkin muffin and sip a latte. Or take a nap.

4. Correspondance. I love you, dear friends, I truly do. Lack of love is not the reason I haven’t gotten in touch with you. Lack of memory, time, energy… maybe. But not lack of love.

5. Eating a healthy amount. Make a fist. Did you know that’s approximately how big your stomach is? At every sitting, you should be eating about that much. Now grab a basketball. That’s about how much I eat. And that was before I got knocked up.

6. Swallowing pills. When I first met Lance, he could swallow 11 vitamins at one time. ELEVEN! VITAMINS! Those suckers are HUGE! I’m taking three prenatal vitamins a day, and I have to psyche myself up to do it every time. And then I usually gag and choke and spit it back out into my hand, and then it’s all mushy and disgusting and I have to throw it away and start all over again.

7. Saving money. When I have money, I want to spend it. I burns a hole in my pocket until I’ve wasted it all like the prodigal son. And then I feel bad that I didn’t spend it on something better, like homeless shelters in Nashville or at blood:water or something. As a result, we still have credit card debt that just sits there, and no savings. Sorry, Noah, I hope you didn’t want to go to college. Mommy needs a new eye pencil. And look at this new lip gloss! And real quick, let’s go look at the shoes. And hey, is that a grand piano?

8. Finishing projects. To date I have a quarter of a children’s book and half a play written. I have fabric to make a quilt for Noah that’s been sitting on top of my sewing machine for about three months. I have fabric for pillow cases cut out and they are sitting on top of the other fabric that is sitting on top of my sewing machine. I am in the middle of six books. I have had this blog post sitting on my screen for the past four days.

9. Using time wisely. This goes with #8, of course. I say I don’t have time, but the truth is I just haven’t TAKEN the time to do the things I need to do. Like finishing those projects. Or calling you back. Or sending my grandparents more pictures of Noah. Or exercising. The TRUTH is… I’m taking a nap.

10. Video games. I just really can’t do them.

It’s 97 degrees today, and it might as well be 97 million.  I would rather drink a lukewarm coffee with 10 Splendas in it than step foot outside my air-conditioned house and INTO HELL, but my son is of the opposite opinion, which I do not understand. All his toys are inside in the nice cold air! What is there to even do out there? But he spends half his day going over to the door, banging on it, and looking back at me with a pitiful little face and a whine.

And I’m all, “But the MOSQUITOES.” And he’s all, “Henhhh?” And I’m all “But the HEAT.” And he’s like, “HENHHH!” And I’m all, “But the HUMIDITY!” And he’s all, “Listen woman, open this damn door before I break it down.”

So as I was sitting outside with Noah yesterday, swatting bugs away, miserably fanning myself, and dipping my feet into the kiddie pool WHICH HE WILL NOT GET INTO ALREADY, I got to thinking, there have to be SOME good things about this god-awful season. I remember liking it when I got out of school for two and a half months, but surely there’s something else to like about it now those days are gone. I came up with a short list for you, Reader. Maybe it can help you, too, make peace with the summer.

1. Summer thunderstorms, but only if they don’t bring tornadoes along with them (2011 SUMMER FAIL)
2. Fourth of July fireworks
3. Summer squash
4. Fried green tomatoes
5. Really, anything from the garden
6. The beach, for those summers we are lucky enough to pull ourselves together, drive approximately eight hours, and get to one
7. Breezy summer nights
8. Sangria (this should really be number One)
9. Fireflies
10. Lance’s birthday
11. Swimming/boating/snorkeling
12. Sundresses

I think that’s all. And as you can see, most of these are either water-related (which makes you feel cooler), or food-related (which makes me feel better). My WINTER list, however, would be endless. I think it’s a testament to how much I long for winter that I unwittingly found myself singing Noah to sleep last night with Christmas songs.

((sigh)) Five more months. I don’t think I’ll make it.